Life is good. You live in New York City. You’re young, fresh, full of stamina and stupidity. You want to say you go out and live a reckless life, but, well, you work weekends. And pay doesn’t quite cover rent, so technically you shouldn’t be eating at all. But life is good! It’s glamorous, being a waitress in New York, right? You’re not not employed—you’re kind of employed!
You spend your days ogling useless sites getting a feel for the scene, you know, if you ever wanted to free-lance. However that works. In the meantime, you create wordpress blogs. One for every catchline you think up. Don’t bother to put more than one post per blog—they’re one trick ponies. But tweet the shit out of it. (Also, Facebook and gchat. Networking, baby, you’re young and you know how to work the system!/annoy friends. This may be a skill listed on one of your resumés.) Along with blogs, create resumés. It’s self-affirming seeing that whole bouquet of resumés up in your Microsoft Word search. Sure it’s annoying to make up dates for that community play about Indians –Native Americans, but bullshitting is a skill that requires practice. So said your graduation speaker, who got rich off of being a terrible person. Tweaking margins is also a good skill, although college is over. Remind yourself that college is over. How less stressed you are now. Think about the late night paper freak-outs, the late-night snack bar, the unlimited dining hall, the free gym at your fingertips, the…
Think of ways to get back into college.
Decide, one day, that free-lancing is terrible. There’s no audience (mainly because you haven’t published anything), and galdammit, if you just sometimes crave approval. It suddenly dawns on you that you want to become an actor. Audiences up the wazoo! Instant adoration!
Watch a lot of movies to research. Learn that the quick eye-jiggle (searching look between scene partner’s two eyeballs) is a really good pre-cry thing. Check out profile and ¾ angle of face, because that is really important. If cheekbones don’t pop, learn how to make them pop without looking too Botox-y. Troll around on Craigslist, but beware of the ads asking for full-body nude shots and numbers. Keep things professional: if the ad is in all caps, it probably isn’t that great. Also, if they want sexy ladies with sexy feet, probably not that great/you don’t want to be the next tabloid Craigslist footless wonder.
Sign up for sites offering perfect casting, then quickly block their number as they begin calling you daily. When you are experiencing your habitual sorry-for-yourself tears when Netflix crashes in the middle of True Blood (monster research), try to capture that emotion and bottle it. Then, later, try to make yourself cry. As it usually starts out with that twinge in your nose, you can lightly punch yourself in the face to kickstart the emotion. Look up acting classes at fancy studios, realize that four classes are half of your monthly salary. Punch yourself in the face to research bar fights.
