Day 1: Wake up as late as possible. You can say you were up late trimming your resumé, but what that really means is you re-discovered FunnyOrDie’s Drunk History while attempting to remember your old thesis topic.
Breakfast: Cereal, milk, tea. Your roommates reuse tea bags, but this is too reminiscent of that Depression-era mockumentary where they actually cut the penny in half. Reusing tea bags is like eating a bagel someone chewed first.
Exercise: Think about it this way. You want to conserve calories. Only rich people want to be in shape. You want to eat as much as possible, as cheaply as possible. If that means having a few TD Bank lollipops (green and/or purple) while just checking in on your incubating account, consider it lunch.
Lunch: 2 lollipops from the bank.
If you work in the food industry, eat as much as possible on the job. If you work in a kitchen, you’re golden. And probably fat. But be careful: it’s best not to go into work hungry, because you will become obsessed with how to best filch food on the sly. While chopping those carrots, your only thought is how to get a good-sized chunk to pop in your mouth. The pastry dough is uneven? Trim that sucker. The walk-in fridge is a great opportunity, those rows of quart containers just crying to be pried open and sampled. Just don’t let anyone walk in on you with your figurative pants down, half a square of cold squash lasagna stuffed down your frost-breathing maw.
Dinner in the food industry: midnight, after you’ve finished cleaning behind the stoves and mopped the floor of the predecessors to the chicken that’s now on your plate.
If you’re a waitress in a fancy place, good luck. Food filching is virtually impossible in between yelling at/getting yelled at by the expeditor, burning yourself on other people’s dinners, bowing and smiling at annoying patrons. Dinner: midnight. You’re too tired to be hungry anymore. Look on the bright side: no one likes a fat waitress!
Bussers: Gross, don’t even think about eating off the plates you’re clearing. Well, unless it looks really good and relatively untouched.
If you don’t work in the food industry, you probably should. Unless you want to subsist off of the packaged goods that sometimes show up during holidays and birthdays.
Day 2: Rinse and repeat. For every inquiry on Craigslist you send out, treat yourself to a spoonful of peanut butter.
